UNDERSTANDING TRAITS, EFFECTS + SIGNS OF NARCISSISM
UNDERSTANDING TRAITS, EFFECTS + SIGNS OF NARCISSISM
Source: Selected resources below
Contributor: Selena Garcia
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“Because narcissists have inside a very fragile sense of self, they do not handle or manage feelings of hurt or vulnerability well. So if they feel hurt or disappointed they traditionally react in anger, and they express their anger not directly or cleanly, but through shaming the other person.” - Dr. Jeffrey Rutstein
Most of us are still developing our language and understanding of human behavior. We want, need, and seek ways of understanding our personal experiences. So, when a word comes into our lexicon that can help express our experience, we grip it and stamp it on almost anything that lightly applies. One word that's been making its rounds and perhaps applied too liberally is narcissist.
What is a narcissist, and what should you do if you are in a relationship with someone expressing narcissistic behavior (personally or professionally)? How does it affect us, and how is it developed? Do you stay to attempt change within the relationship, or seek distance once the impact of someone’s harmful behavior has been identified?
It’s important to note that one can display narcissistic traits, but that does not mean they have a narcissistic personality disorder. There’s a spectrum, and a difference, between self-obsession and actual narcissism as defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).
Check out all three of the following resources. While they cover some of the same ground, they each expand on narcissistic behavior in different ways.
“In general, one really quick way of knowing if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist is whether it feels reciprocal or mutual. Most of the time, if you’re in a relationship with narcissism you’ll find it’s much more about them, than you.”- Dr. Jeffrey Rutstein
NOTE: You will have to enter your email for the free webinar, but it’s super easy and absolutely worth it!
This webinar covers:
The traumatic effects that relationships with narcissistic parents, partners, bosses, family members, or friends may have on us.
Answers to audience questions such as: What helps people break the cycle of narcissistic abuse? Do narcissists ever heal or change? What do you do as a co-parent with a narcissist?
The hypo- and hyper-arousal states that are involuntarily triggered during our interactions with narcissistic behavior.
Tips for self-regulation that allow us to avoid feeling “emotionally hijacked.”
And much more
Dr. Jeffrey Rutstein – “Narcissism is on a continuum. All of us have healthy narcissism and then we can become more and more narcissistically pre-occupied, have more and more narcissistic-type concerns. And at the other end of the spectrum is […] what’s called narcissistic personality disorder […] But there can be personality traits in many, many, many people.
“So, what are the traits? The nine traits that we look for in a narcissist, and according to current diagnostic criteria, for someone to be diagnosed [with] narcissistic personality disorder, the end of the continuum, they have to have five of the following nine criteria:
Grandiose sense of self-importance.
Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
A belief that they are special and unique and can only be understood by or should associate with other special or high-status people or institutions.
That this individual requires excessive admiration.
They have a sense of entitlement; they are interpersonally exploitive.
They tend to take advantage of others.
They lack empathy.
They envy others or believe others are envious of them.
Shows arrogance, haughty behaviors, and attitudes.
“In general, one really quick way of knowing if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist is whether it feels reciprocal or mutual. Most of the time, if you’re in a relationship with narcissism you’ll find it’s much more about them, than you.
“By the way, the more arrogant classical kind of narcissist is usually very charming and at first will make people feel wonderfully taken care of. Matter of fact, early on in romantic relationships people will say, if their partner is a narcissist, ‘They treated me like I was a king or queen of the world. They made me feel so seen and so loved and so special.’ That usually lasts for a period of time until control struggles come up. And then when there’s tension or stress in the relationship, you see someone with narcissistic tendencies then begin to become controlling, manipulative, angry, exploiting, unemphatic – demanding their way or the highway, in effect. And so, you can go from feeling you’re on top of the world, to feeling like you were thrown in the dumpster.
“Because narcissists have actually inside a very fragile sense of self, they do not handle or manage feelings of hurt or vulnerability well. So if they feel hurt or disappointed they traditionally react in anger, and they express their anger not directly or cleanly, but through shaming the other person.
“We are most familiar with what we call grandiose narcissism, but there’s another type that we call vulnerable or covert narcissism. And this is not from people who seem like they know better or feel like they’re entitled to more special attention than everyone else, it’s kind of in reverse. They’re actually self-critical but in a way to actually try and engage you into taking care of them.”
Tune in, there’s so much more!
“If I had a dollar for every person who got into a toxic relationship because of second chances, I'd be a very wealthy lady.” – Dr. Ramani Durvasula
2) Understanding Narcissism with Dr. Ramani Durvasula, from I Weigh with Jameela Jamil
DESCRIPTION: “Clinical Psychiatrist and author Dr. Ramani Durvasula joins Jameela this week to explain the ins and outs of narcissism. They cover what it is, the different forms it takes, how the world encourages narcissism in its leaders, how to recognize narcissism in a relationship, the ways narcissism is nurtured, how to survive in a relationship with a narcissist, and more.”
Dr. Ramani – “The challenge with narcissistic personality disorder is that, yeah, you have to have that laundry list of the lack of empathy, entitlement, all the other stuff I was saying. But the person also has to be experiencing distress, meaning that they're kind of uncomfortable the way a depressed person would feel a sense of distress, like ‘this doesn't feel good,’ or they have to report having a sense of social or occupational impairment.
“So if they come into therapy, they're complaining about how ‘all my spouse does is complain’ or ‘everybody's treating me badly at work,’ or ‘I was fired from my job because my boss had it out for me and I'm really upset about that.’ So, they're going to come in with a problem […] let's say they come in and they feel like a victim and they feel life is unfair and they're really sad and they're like, ‘I haven't had a job in a year.’ One of our first hypotheses is probably going to be depression, and so the therapist in good faith will treat them. Now, usually with therapy and depending on how severe the depression is, medication, within 9 to 12 weeks you're going to see some improvement. And now you're in there for 12 weeks. Nothing's happening. This person's still like ‘My life’s unfair. Why’s my life so terrible?’ And […] now you're reading the depression book like ‘What am I doing wrong?’ At those times when I'm, you know, if I'm overseeing someone's work or giving them feedback, I'm like, ‘Have you started considering narcissism as an additional hypothesis?’ So what happens is you might lift the depression, but the narcissism is still there as the underground of it. And that part's not going to change.
“If I had a dollar for every person who got into a toxic relationship because of second chances, I'd be a very wealthy lady.”
Listen to the full podcast, here!
“An individual can gain personal insight and drive to improve an undesirable trait, such as neuroticism.” – Kristy Lee Hochenberger, PhD
“Personalities are influenced by an incredible array of factors: genetics and family traits, external environments such as school and work, trauma, and even culture and societal impact. Research has shown that personality traits can sometimes change over the course of an individual’s life – someone could, for example, become more introverted or extraverted with age. Additionally, an individual can gain personal insight and drive to improve an undesirable trait, such as neuroticism.
“However, it is the unchangeable and negative traits that define a personality disorder or the hallmarks that identify a disorder. In short, personality is a dynamic and highly organized set of characteristics that makes a person who they are. So, what traits identify a narcissist?”
Check out the article for more!
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