Unblocking Love: Research & Insight to Guide Your Journey
Unblocking Love: Research & Insight to Guide Your Journey
Contributor: Selena Garcia
“People who are very, very happy together, totally in love, totally attracted to one another, often didn’t feel those sparks on the very first— one, two, three dates. Maybe they were even friends for a while. But people don’t give each other the chance to get to know the other person or to let the other person get to know you.” - LORI GOTTLIEB
Love demands bravery. It asks that we show up, scars and all, and risk being seen—and from that space, being rejected. It asks that we look in the mirror to see where we may be getting in our own way and to know when to accept that it might not be about us at all. We often fumble with good intentions, and it can feel overwhelming at times.
While technology may have broadened our horizons, it’s also narrowed our patience and willingness to truly know someone. We’ve become “experts” at filtering, selecting, and dismissing, often forgetting that behind every person, is a story. We move quickly and make assumptions and judgements with seemingly endless options at our fingertips. Is it possible that we’re blocking the very thing we desire most—connection?
While it’s foundational to take the time to learn someone’s backstory, struggles, and triumphs in a way that allows for deeper connection, it must also be said, that trying to force a relationship is not the answer either, especially when someone’s behavior is unacceptable. Don’t settle for mixed signals, breadcrumbing, or ambivalence. Don’t let sexual attraction be the driver; remember the important things you can explore and build together. Poor character qualities, not so much.
If you’re growing through heartbreak, navigating the crazy world of dating, or pondering relationships in general, here are two resources to keep you occupied—part one to a two-part share. They are so much more than click-bait titles, so give them a listen in their entirety. The research here will surprise you. Listen for that if for nothing else.
From exploring the ideas we have about love, to navigating today’s dating landscape and the different expectations we have, what are the values needed to sustain a long-lasting relationship? What do you know about the cycles you may be in? And how is your relationship with yourself?
There’s a lot here that can offer you a fresh perspective and renewed hope. Slow down with each other and let things build. Be gentle with yourself, show grace for others. Make room for the hard conversations and have fun too! The right person will meet you there.
“It’s actually about having higher standards, not lower standards… What it is that actually matters to have a happy, fulfilling, long-lasting relationship, and how when we’re dating, we’re not even looking at those qualities.” – Lori Gottlieb
Again, ignore the titles.
1) Relationship Therapist: "This Statistically Is The Best Age To Get Married So You Don't Get A Divorce!", "Men Should Not Split The Bill", "80% Of Women Want Men Over 6ft When Only 15% Are 6ft!" - The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett
DESCRIPTION: “Relationships and romance aren't easy, but are you making it harder than it needs to be? Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and a bestselling author, she is also the co-host of the ‘Dear Therapists’ podcast. Her New York Times bestselling books include, ‘Maybe You Should Talk to Someone’ and ‘Mr Good Enough’. In this conversation Lori and Steven discuss topics such as, why men should always pay for the date, the best age according to statistics to get married, what women really want in a man, and the simple trick to show what is missing in your relationship. (00:00) Intro (02:08) How to Live the Life You Want (05:06) Lack of Human Connections Leads to Relationship Pressure (06:21) Why the Majority Aren't Satisfied with Their Relationships (08:01) The Need to Be Understood (09:47) Why Men Struggle More Opening Up in the Relationship (16:34) Setting Unreal Expectations When Looking for a Partner (19:40) We're Too Picky on Dating Apps (24:57) High Expectations, Can They Be Lowered? (28:04) Gender Differences in Dating (33:44) The Type of People That Seek Bad Partners (35:11) How to Help Those People (36:49) Financial Differences in Dating (42:53) People Are Choosing Not to Have Kids and Get Married (49:02) What Happens When a Woman Earns More in the Relationship (51:08) The Big Debate on a First Date (56:35) Red Flags in First Dates (59:51) The Age You Marry Is Linked to Divorce Risk (01:03:32) You Need to Learn to Unknow Yourself (01:05:35) The Impact of Seeking Approval (01:12:20) When Your Friends Sabotage You When You Try to Change (01:20:46) Do Women Express More Emotion Than Men? (01:22:38) Do Our Dreams Have True Meanings? (01:25:08) The Safety of Self-Compassion (01:26:55) The Opposite of Depression Isn't Happiness (01:29:46) The Grief of Heartbreak and How to Recover (01:37:53) How to Help Someone Going Through Heartbreak (01:45:02) Last Guest Question”
(14:13) LORI: “It’s actually about having higher standards, not lower standards… What it is that actually matters to have a happy, fulfilling, long-lasting relationship, and how when we’re dating, we’re not even looking at those qualities. And so, for example, the character qualities, if you look at what are the most important things that would predict whether a relationship is going to last, what qualities do you want in a partner? Flexibility is really important, meaning you’re not a really rigid person. People who are really rigid-- ‘it has to be this way, I need it this way, I expect this of you’… we have to have room for the person to also be them, and that you are a separate person from the person that you’re with. And often times, it’s hard for people to see that because they’re so focused on what I need, without thinking about ‘what does this relationship need? And what does the other person need too?’ Emotional generosity is really important. That you give someone the benefit of the doubt, that you’re not bringing your old wounds into the relationship and projecting them on to your partner. I would call it emotional maturity or emotional stability. So many times, people overlook that when they’re dating.
(16:48) Lori: “People need to have higher standards about character qualities. Things that are important to them like loyalty, reliability, emotional stability, emotional generosity.
(23:48) Lori: “People who are very, very happy together, totally in love, totally attracted to one another, often didn’t feel those sparks on the very first—one, two, three dates. Maybe they were even friends for a while. But people don’t give each other the chance to get to know the other person or to let the other person get to know you. And I think because the apps… give this illusion that there’s so many people out there, but if you just keep juggling people, you’re never going to get to know anybody and to know if that person is someone you want to be with.
(1:04:31) Lori: “Part of learning about yourself is learning about what the faulty narratives are you’ve been carrying around. ‘I’m unlovable,’ or ‘I can’t trust anyone, I’m no good at this,’ or ‘what’s wrong with me?’ These again are stories that you picked up about yourself from a long time ago.”
For another podcast similar to this one, check out Big Dating Energy: Break Up The Right Way with Logan Ury.
“You will never settle on a person as long as you are looking for the perfect person as a starting point. Because a perfect relationship doesn’t exist at the beginning. But the perfect relationship for you can exist over time if you settle on someone and resolve to make that relationship as good as it can possibly be.” — Matthew hussey
Some of this can support a business and personal relationship. They offer a lot of examples that you can apply to a variety of areas in your life.
2) Matthew Hussey: “I Wish I Knew THIS When I Was Single” - How To HEAL The #1 Pattern BLOCKING LOVE from Lewis Howes
DESCRIPTION: “Today, we're excited to chat with Matthew Hussey, a New York Times bestselling author, speaker, and renowned relationship coach. With over half a billion views on his YouTube channel and a top-rated podcast, Matthew's practical advice on love and confidence has impacted millions worldwide. In this conversation we’ll dive into the secrets of all successful relationships. In this episode Matthew shares his invaluable insights on the key elements that constitute successful relationships. He emphasizes the importance of giving up certain types of attention to attract what you truly need, the distinction between impressing and connecting, and the crucial role of authenticity in forming genuine connections.”
(1:30:55) Matthew: “There’s some pre-requisites to relationships. Chemistry is important. It’s not that you can say, ‘be with someone who’s nice to you, even if you have no chemistry.’ That also is not going to work. But chemistry is a pre-requisite. It’s not the thing you have to go ‘I’m trying to get the greatest chemistry anyone could ever have.’ It’s just that you need chemistry… Don’t comparison shop for chemistry. Instead see it as a beautiful thing. If you’ve found someone who’s an incredible teammate, who’s all of these things you really want, values that are important to you, and chemistry, that’s an amazing thing. So am I coming from ego or am I coming from a place of what actually makes me happy, is a huge, huge, decision. And sometimes we don’t learn that until we have spent time with people that are less familiar to us, that make us feel really good.
(1:38:08) Matthew: “It’s nervous system stuff. It’s retraining my nervous system… you have to orient yourself towards a different goal, and in the beginning, you can’t expect the new thing to feel like the old thing, cause it’s not going to feel like the old thing. But the more you lean into the new thing, you develop an appreciation for how much better it actually feels. And that’s a kind of stunning and eye-opening realization. And I feel really passionate about this because I see a lot of really unhappy people. I was one of them btw, who was stuck in those cycles. And there’s a lot of people who get stuck in optimization cycles in their love lives… ‘I’m trying to find the perfect thing, and if someone is missing this thing, I’m going to optimize…’ people don’t work like that…
(1:43:12) Matthew: “The thing that makes a relationship the greatest relationship of your life, is you take someone who ticks the boxes for you, and that’s the starting point. But then based on the values you each bring—and I think there are some very powerful values for a relationship like being growth-oriented, like teamwork, like loyalty, like prioritizing the vision of the relationship—when you take those things and you put two people like that together, what they start with is not nearly as interesting as what they will create together. And you can only create that if you settle on a person. But you will never settle on a person as long as you are looking for the perfect person as a starting point. Because a perfect relationship doesn’t exist at the beginning. But the perfect relationship for you can exist over time if you settle on someone and resolve to make that relationship as good as it can possibly be.”
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