Crushing Codependency Myths - Mark Groves and Terri Cole
Crushing Codependency Myths - Mark Groves and Terri Cole
Source: Create The Love: Making Your Heart Make Sense (Listen: 1hr, 2 min)
Contributor: Selena Garcia
“CODEPENDENCY IS WHERE WE ARE WILLING TO ABANDON OURSELVES IN ORDER TO STAY CONNECTED TO ANOTHER. WE PRIORITIZE BEING CONNECTED TO THEM OVER BEING CONNECTED TO US.” - MARK GROVES
Mark Goves is a "Human Connection Specialist, who delves into the complex world of relationships and connection. He has a fun, no holds barred, no BS approach to exploring the human condition and the fundamentals of all our human connections."
Here, Mark talks with Teri Cole, whose "mission and dharma is teaching women how to attract and sustain healthy, vibrant, Real Love into their lives and how to establish and maintain effective boundaries with ease and grace."
BUT HOLD UP - this podcast on codependency is not just for women! I repeat this is not women's work. It's human work. Men struggle with codependency just as much as women, and Mark shares some of his own experiences as a recovering codependent.
Terri has a Master's Degree in Clinical Psychotherapy from NYU, and you'll quickly see what makes her great.
Codependency is not just about romantic relationships. And as Mark notes, it’s a “collection of behaviors and patterns that really sort of unconsciously rule our lives and our behaviors and manifest as beliefs.” Are you a high functioning codependent?
All genders, all humans—take a seat and give this a listen. Especially if you think you're not codependent.
“I THINK SO MUCH OF WHEN YOU REALLY START TO UNDERSTAND THE MYTHS ABOUT CODEPENDENCY THAT ARE OUT THERE, YOU REALLY GET THAT IT’S AN INSIDE JOB AND THAT YOU CAN LEARN HOW TO UNLEARN THESE UNHEALTHY BEHAVIORS.” - TERRI COLE
(14:00) TERRI: “Let’s talk a little bit about what it is. We’re hitting the myths, but maybe someone is new here. They’re like ‘Codependency, what are you talking about? What is it?’ I believe codependency, or at least in my estimation being a therapist for twenty some years is that it’s really being overly invested in the feeling states and the outcomes and the choices of other people.”
TERRI: “When I say overly invested, I really mean you almost feel like those feeling states, those choices, those consequences, those outcomes are your own. Someone you love is in a situation. The onus feels like it’s on you to figure out what they should do, and you need to do it now. There’s an urgency, a fear, an aggressive drive to get it done. That, in my estimation, is one way of describing codependency.”
MARK: “Yeah, I totally agree. I mean when that pivoting shaping your own world to fit theirs, I think of not separating what you like from what they like. Becoming this chameleon in order to keep the peace, in order to exist in this experience where your life is structured around the problems and feelings and solving and all the things with other people.”
(35:05) TERRI: “The need to be needed is such a part of being human, but it’s also such a part when it’s extreme of the dysfunction of codependency. We have a need to be needed above a need to take care of ourselves. We have a need to fix other’s problems above the desire to know ourselves, to get our own needs met. It’s almost like as long as we can avoid conflict, as long as there isn’t a problem - whatever I need to do, how often I need to throw myself under the bus - that’s ok. But again, the truth is you cannot do that forever. If you do, you’re literally talking about being in an unhealthy relationship.”
LISTEN TO THE FULL PODCAST, HERE. (1hr, 02min)
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